“I want to live the rest of my life, however long or short, with as much sweetness as I can decently manage, loving all the people I love, and doing as much as I can of the work I still have to do. I am going to write fire until it comes out of my ears, my eyes, my noseholes—everywhere. Until it’s every breath I breathe. I’m going to go out like a fucking meteor”feniceargento
Lately I’ve been feeling…good? I state that as a question because, as ridiculous as it sounds, stating it as a fact is scary. It’s like saying it will summon the demon again, send it crashing through a metaphorical wall, like the Kool-Aid Man. But yeah, in all honesty I’ve been feeling…pretty good. Yeah, pretty good, let’s leave it at that.
I celebrated my birthday last week, with little to no existential crises about how old I’m getting. I got a lot of nice presents, many of them related to art, which is probably my loved ones’ subtle way of telling me I need to get on the fucking stick and start making stuff again. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, I’m getting there, quit twisting my arm already. Actually, no one is twisting my arm, they’re all just patiently waiting for me to stop dithering and do something, probably giggling over my deep-seeded fear that whatever I attempt to do, even something as mundane as making a card for someone, will result in abject humiliation. I suppose it is kinda funny when you look at it from a distance. Hell, people have gotten entire blogs out of crafting fails, and they’re not nearly as funny as I am, this I know for certain. Perhaps I’m looking at this from the wrong angle, eh?
I have been making good on the attempt to spend less time just mindlessly scrolling online. Along with continuing to take pictures I’ve been watching more movies and doing a little more reading, and oh hey, I started a fun, silly little writing project, in which I watch and review TV shows of my youth: you can check it out here. There are only a few posts so far, but hey, I only just started it last week, give it time to germinate and blossom like the beautiful piece of flora it will become. Unless I end up slacking off on it, which is entirely possible. But for right now, I’m pretty excited about it, so enjoy it while you can.
Things have been okay. They’ve been okay. Work remains hard, but I no longer feel like it’s part of some cosmic punishment for a crime I committed but evidently do not remember. It’s just something I have to deal with for the time being, like the various other slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. All of it is outweighed by the good things in my life. I can tell myself this right now, and it sounds reasonable. I don’t know why I couldn’t a month ago. That’s what’s so scary, how my own mind seems content to work against me, strictly on a whim. But for right now, there seems to have been a cease fired called, and I’m grateful for it.
Fall On Me
Lifes Rich Pageant